THE SECRET WORLD OF A NORTHERN SOULS

[Note:  the following freely borrows from Garrison Keillor--although it has to be said that it is suspected he himself lifted many of the same elements from other sources.  In any event, a lot of the following is stolen from Keillor's stories and monologues.]

 

Let's pretend Lutherans have their own airplane company.  When you fly Lutheran Air, there’s no first class, meals are potluck with assignments by rows (rows 1-6, bring rolls; rows, 7-15, salad, and so on), all fares are by freewill offering, and the plane doesn’t land until the budget is met.

Lutheran drink a lot of coffee, serve chow mien noodles on tuna hot dish, work hard, and don’t make a fuss. They would rather be third than first.  And they kindest people on God’s green earth—except for the mean ones.

They can be cheap with money which in their case doesn't necessarily mean they are frugal.  The old saying "penny wise and pound foolish" is known among Lutherans but has little appeal to them as it seems contradictory to their good sense.  They believe in watching their pennies--deeming that in doing so the dollars will take care of themselves.  That this leads to some spectacular failures in budgeting, rickety completion of projects, and extraordinary displays of bad taste is often lost on them.  Observers sometimes note this an indication of another Lutheran habit of beholding the world as it is, deciding how it really should be, and then proceeding to go and live there-- inattentive to the fact that the world as it is is still as it is.

They believe in watching their pennies--deeming that in doing so the dollars will take care of themselves.

Lutherans come in one of two flavors: Happy and Dark.  Dark Lutherans are the hyper-serious types--a little grim and pessimistic. The Dark Lutherans believe that life is a short dark tunnel and you just get through it as fast as you can and get to the other side where the real bliss is..  According to their outlook,  if you got too happy and you let it show, God might decide to show you a thing or two and send an adventure worthy of the Old Testament Job your way.  So hold yourself in check or you might be in for some real trouble!  Be ready for the hardships of life and be prepared to make sacrifices along the way.  Believe human beings are basically turkeys and you will rarely be proved wrong!

For children of a Dark Lutheran parent, the arrival of Christmas every year is always in doubt.  The Dark mother or father often comment that there will be no money for Christmas gifts this year
because they had to buy your little sister new shoes and socks last September so she could go to school--or some such extravagant expense weighing down the family budget.  Of course, gifts are always under the tree come each Christmas morning; but then next year's Christmas is always in jeopardy--or so little young Lutherans will be continuously reminded.

Contrary to all appearances, Dark Lutherans are quite sentimental--apt to keep old letters, cards and photographs hidden in the bottom of the sock drawer.  Loving to their families--if only in their way.  Loyal to friends--even to ones they haven't seen in years and even to folk who had had no clue Dark Lutheran thought of them as friends.  Dark Lutherans will stay up at night trying to work over the family budget to get the children exactly what they want for Christmas and something nice for their spouse for their birthday and wedding anniversary.  And when the chips are down and a friend, family member or parish badly need help, the Dark Lutheran will be the first one to show up--first thing in the morning if need be.  Just don't expect the Dark Lutheran to stick around to be thanked, however.  Effusive displays of gratitude embarrass him--he would rather die than be thanked in front of other people.  He would have done it without anyone knowing about it if he could.  And he has a proud reputation as a difficult person to uphold he doesn't want other people to be disabused of it by having his acts of kindness recognized.  The people who love him know what he is really like even though he'd rather they didn't.

Happy Lutherans believe that, hey, God loves you, so be glad for it, and come to church when you can, sprinkle the little babies with a little water for baptism, and do your part, and bring a hot dish when it's your turn, and if you could sing in choir this year, we'd sure be grateful.  Happy Lutherans

are not known for being sticklers in matter of doctrine--taking a rather more loose attitude toward Biblical interpretation and proper Law and Gospel theology.   A Dark Lutheran would frown upon any nice Lutheran girl entering a beauty contest and thereby dispensing with her modesty in such a brazen display of the flesh.  A Happy Lutheran, on the other hand, would encourage their daughter to show off her stuff in the beauty pageant--picking out the skimpiest bikini possible for her--with the lone instruction to their daughter to be sure to thank Jesus in her acceptance speech when she wins.

A Happy Lutheran believes in making things as bright and pleasant as possible. Quick to forgive and forever optimistic about the future.  Tomorrow may not be so hot but the day after that is sure to be sunny and good, the Lord will see to it.  A Happy Lutheran will take their children aside and tell them to pay no mind to the Dark Lutheran's protestations of impending poverty and doom--they will find a way like they always do.  Even in the worst of times, the Happy Lutheran will slip an extra few

Such is the way with Lutherans that Dark and Happy Lutherans will marry each other. 

dollars into their children's pocket so they can buy a Coke or hamburger when the church youth group goes on an outing or when their class at school goes on a field trip.  "What is life if you can't enjoy yourself now and then?"  The Happy Lutheran will always counsel their children that "you can't fight darkness with darkness".  Giving the good advice to "always let your light shine and you will make the world a better place."

Such is the way with Lutherans that Dark and Happy Lutherans will marry each other. Invariably, Happy Lutherans will wed Dark Lutherans and vise-versa.  Many a social scientist--and not a few Lutheran pastors--have puzzled over this mismatch of oil and water.  Maybe this is the Lord's plan for a good Lutheran home and upbringing.  In His wisdom, perhaps the competing temperaments of a young Lutheran's parents are smoothed out and so the family hearth will rarely be too hot or too cold.  That man and wife will drive each other up the wall on a regular basis might also be part of His good plan to keep each humble and not too proud with themselves.