QUEEN OF HEARTS

We have been gifted with delicate extravaganza of the birth of baby and future king George to Prince William and Duchess Kate as of late.  Good for them!  One thing is for sure:  young George will never have to worry about an absence of the photographs for his baby book.  On the down side, he will never be able to hide pictures of the gangly stages of his youth from any and all future girlfriends.

What has this to do with the state of Lutheranism and the issues and crises therein?  Nothing.  Absolutely, nothing.

But the royal birth does provide the occasion to share my humble musings which were part of a letter I wrote to my brother and sister after the event of William and Kate's wedding back in 2011. 

You may wonder to yourself if these notions from that letter have any proper place in a Lutheran--let alone Christian--blog.  True enough.  The following would not make it way into The Lutheran or The Lutheran Forum; but what would be the sense of having one's own blog if one couldn't drop in a bit of cheeky humor?

 

Dear Smaller Siblings:

And now for the topic that had parked itself in your favorite chair, smoking an odorous cigar, drinking from the bottle of your best bourbon, and emitting inappropriate ramblings to all the guests.  Yes, I am talking about the wedding of William and Kate in jolly Ol'e England (Britain, the U.K., or whatever you call it--I can't keep track)!  I know as an American I am not supposed to be impressed much less care about such things; but, as a member in good standing of the Absolute Monarchy Party, I couldn't help getting teary-eyed at this glorious display of regal pageantry.  I

have to admit that William looks a bit like a younger version of one's typing teacher from high school; but then there's eye-catching Kate!

Ok, Billy and Kate had been shacking up for months--Kate herself being sullied on a regular basis in Billy's royal boudoir.  But we mustn't hold it against Kate.  It has been the centuries old contrivance in English Common Law that all the women in the realm are subject to the King's pleasure.  If the king passes by a young maid and if the mood so crosses him, she must yield to his gracious ministrations.  This may sound like an appalling insult to English womanhood; but, honestly, what young girl would not would not willingly be swept off her feet by some charming prince in a spiffy uniform who rides around piloting an absolutely boss helicopter?  That's right, except for those gentle souls who ply their wares on the other side of the street, none!  Besides, Kate is a simple commoner girl of wealthy parents who possessed no particular aristocratic shelters against her ruler's prerogatives.

As much as of flat can of Pepsi William is as a person, Kate more than makes up for it.  It has been extremely unfair for the press to compare Kate against the high fashion plate that was the late Princess Diana.  Kate has it all over Diana hands down.  She cuts a fine figure fastened together with long legs, rich long brown hair, hazel eyes and a sparkling smile--the other parts of her aren't so bad either.  She is of such charm and loveliness that even the Pope would kick out a stained glass window to get a good look at her as she crossed the street.

Whatever reservations the royal family may have had for bringing in another commoner into the fold after the snippy Diana happily turned out to be completely groundless when it came to Kate.  It is said that Dianna did not get along that well the Queen and Queen Mother--given to snarky exchanges with the rest of the royal family.  She was rude to the help, requiring them to overextend themselves to achieve the ends of her quixotic temperament--most notably having her undercarriage serviced by the British army officer who took care of her horse.  In addition, she went about campaigning in the then fashionable cause against…(wait for it…wait for it)…landmines--trying to get both the Americans and English to pay for the damages caused by and the removal of devises they did not make, buy, or plant.  Complained like a bitter five-year-old girl when her "privacy" was violated while frequenting expensive, posh restaurants well-known to be shooting galleries for reporters and photographers.  Finally, after a rather crappy, public for all the world to see divorce, Diana managed to get herself killed during a past-her-bedtime date by a bridge beam as her rich playboy boyfriend was passed out drunk by her side.  Bonny Prince Charles was a cad and an adulterer--but this was over the top.

Kate appears to be nothing of the sort.  Of course, time will only tell how she would react if William decides to follow his wienerlust elsewhere.  For the average fellow, Kate is more than woman enough for any man to keep his shoes under her bed for the rest of his life.  On the other hand, as the tiresome observational cliché goes, behind every astonishingly beautiful actress in Hollywood is some guy tired of doing her.  Will the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge by any different?  I suppose only the servants closest to Billy and Kate will know.

As it stands now, Billy is clearly taking the backseat to Kate.  (See "Hollywood cliché" above.)  Before the announcement of their engagement, girls from all around the British Commonwealth were throwing themselves at their future sovereign.  Now that Kate has boarded the royal boat, she enjoys all the privileges of the first mate with not a few wanting her to be put ahead in the royal line of succession.  While "Queen Kate" doesn't naturally roll off the tongue, it is only a matter of time before she quietly shifts from "Kate" to "Katherine".  Unlike Princess Dee for whom the possibility was foreclosed before she married Charles, it is altogether likely that by popular affirmation Kate could be elevated to Queen Katherine as William assumes his mantle of King of England, Scotland and Ireland.  One unfortunate helicopter mishap for Billy…and Queen Katherine could ship the rest of the royals off to some well-furnished retirement castle.

As Billy and Kate toured Canada, Australia, and many places in between (including visiting the rebel Americans), it is clear that the crowds were much enamored with the new Duchess of Cambridge.  Kate had graduated from the University of St. Andrews in 2006 with a degree in art history.  How much use this will be to the empire isn't exactly clear.  What is evident is that she is so popular and winsome that her subjects have acquired a newfound love for the monarchy and the royal family.  Past indignities on the part of the royals seem to be all but forgotten and previous pushes to remove the monarchy from the British Constitution have fallen by the wayside for the time being.  Even the French Quebecers' demands for independence from Canada have slacked off a bit.  Not bad for an art major.

More important than her subjects' sudden appreciation for art history is Kate's sense of fashion.  This has become an unexpected development from a girl who's recent attire while running around St. Andrews was more bohemian in nature.  Fashion Nazis complain under their breath that Kate favors more conservative styles--certainly not as daring as Princess Dee!  Which might be a good thing in keeping with regal decorum--steering clear of the dreadful photos of wardrobe disasters that could be dredged up in the future.  Unfortunately, conservative is as conservative does, it also probably means it is unlikely our lovely Kate will buck the time-honored habit of English women for wearing bizarre, idiotic hats to formal events.

In some ways, Kate is much like Audrey Hepburn.  In the sixties, millions of women tried to adopt Hepburn's latest wardrobe for their own only to find it didn't look anything on them like it did on her.  Finally, everyone caught on that Audrey Hepburn was one of those rare fashion horses who looked good in anything.  Put her in a burlap bag and she could always make it look stunning.  So it is with the Duchess of Cambridge.  Whether donning an always classic, tasteful dress or slipping into jeans and a cowboy hat, Kate was both beautiful, admirable and…just as important…sexy.  Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson could not look as good on the best day.

So what has this to do with me?  I was add with some bashfulness that Kate has gained a more important distinction besides being elevated to Her Royal Highness Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus.  Kate has now officially been added to my "To Do" list!--replacing Lindsay Lohan.

Sorry Lindsay.  I stuck by you through failed drug tests, shoplifting, jail time, and the poor choice of your nude spread in Playboy.  (No.  The nudity was just fine.  But did you have to make yourself look like that old bag Marilyn Monroe?)  To bad you are no longer up to snuff now that Kate is on the scene.

[Note to Mr. Hefner:  Monroe died almost fifty years ago.  Dolling up one bunny after another to look like her has been tiresome for a long time.  Give it up.]

If Kate ever swings by my local White Castle for a bag of fries, I will speed dial my considerable natural charm to fascinate her attentions.  Hey, don't laugh.  I might have a shot!